Rudolph: The Fullmetal Reindeer
by EbonyIvoryy
Summary: This was the last time Edward ever let Ling Yao do him a favor...-COMIC RELIEF / POST-MANGA&BROTHERHOOD- ...Holiday fic made with love and gingerbread cookies. ;D Rated T, for swearing.


_Rudolph, The Fullmetal reindeer  
Had some very shiny automail.  
And if you ever saw him,  
You can even say he's B.A.M.F.  
_

_All of the other alchemists  
used to laugh and call him 'pipsqueak'.  
They always made poor Rudolph  
drink an ounce of milk per day._

_Then one foggy Christmas Eve,  
Ling Yao came to say:  
"Rudolph with your midget height  
won't you be in my play tonight?"_

_Then all the fangirls loved him  
As they shouted out with glee,  
Rudolph, The Fullmetal Reindeer,  
You'll be our hentai fantasy! _

**Happy Holidays, everyone! :)**_  
_

_

* * *

_

Of all the times he was arrested and thrown in prison, this _had_ to be the worst.

Edward's amber eyebrows furrowed in anger, while his mouth was set in it's normal frown. He glared up at the ceiling, which was not dark and musty like most prisons he's been to. It had a very detailed floral design, with alkahestry prints and golden hedges. The ceiling wall was beige, as the beds were considerately plush for being just a pile of sheets. The whole atmosphere almost made the young alchemist feel like royalty...if it wasn't for those _damn_ chains and handcuffs. His prison mate wasn't exactly fun to be around either.

All that _humpty-dumpty moron_ did was complain to the guards that he was hungry, then jump on Edward to dab in cannibalism! To say that it was bothersome was an understatement.

Eight in the morning: The Xingese prison mate rolls over to nibble on Edward's arm.

Two hours later: He complains to the guards that he didn't get enough breakfast, then is denied of more food. His response? The fat man slowly crawls to Edward's bedside, stares at him for only a second, and sinks his vampire teeth into the poor alchemist's neck.

Noon: The striving vampire weeps that Ed's skin tastes of athlete's foot.

Afternoon: He stares at Edward for an hour, licking his chapped lips in an antagonizing slow motion.

Ed's prison mate called himself Ning Yang, and nothing else. At night, Ning was _still_ pathetically whining, "I'm _hun'gee!_ This is a crime, y'know! Keepin' poor Ning Yang locked up like this! Ning Yang is starving to death! Ning Yang is gonna die!"

"_Shatup!_ Ya piece 'a shit!", A prison guard scolded Ning, nearly bringing up his cane to beat him through the jail bars.

"_Nuuuuu! Niiiiiiinnnnngggg Yaaaaaannnnnggggg!_", The humpty man yelled into the still air.

Now, Edward has had it. He was shaking in anger, glaring at the wall with all his might. This was _ridiculous!_ It was mid-December, the time he could be spending with his brother in the snow of Briggs or huddling next to his mechanic for heat, and yet here he was! Stuck in a foreign country, arrested in a foreign jail, with a cannibal for a prison-mate. Maybe Edward should've listened to his brother. Traveling in a terrorist-type land without a group could be potentially dangerous. But _nooooo_, he had too much pride to listen!

"I've fought immortal beings, and this place is_ nothing_ compared to Briggs! I can take care of myself, Al!", The elder Elric insisted as he wandered off into the foreign streets of Yupon.

Yupon was country east of Xing, and was not very well known. The place had rather small territory, and was about the size of Ishval. It's people looked a lot like the Xingese, but acted completely different. They were not warm, or welcoming, and did not feed you to death. Instead, the Yuponese were rude, uncouth, and cold-hearted. Their rules were very different from Amestris and Xing; Alphonse knew this. The reason being that while he traveled in the eastern countries, he was once almost beheaded in Yupon for 'crimes against a turkey' (whatever that meant).

Too bad Edward hadn't listened to his little brother. If he had, he wouldn't be stuck in this situation! ...If he even knew _how_ this happened in the first place, that is. All the golden-haired boy _did_ was visit a farm he passed by, and patted a goat on the head! How is that worthy of getting arrested? He didn't care. All he knew, is that he _needed_ to convince the guards to give him a five-minute phone call...Al must've been worried sick of where he was, and Winry would not be so happy to find out that Edward was in prison..._again._

All he knew, is that the confinement in Briggs beat this horrible place by a long shot. And-

"What the- ...get the_ hell off of me!_", Ed threw fat Ning Yang across the jail cell, grunting a series of curse words. He examined the bite mark on his upper right arm, wiping the thick saliva from his red wound. Still murmuring swear words, Edward pulled his brown coat on. In times like these, the former Fullmetal Alchemist really wished he still had his automail arm.

"Ning Yang! Ning Yang is hun'gee!", These words reminded Ed of the now deceased homunculus, Gluttony. However, the young man was too pissed to think back on early teen hood memories. Everything about Ning Yang made Edward want to vomit. His glum but mad smile, his squinty eyes, and peaking dimples upon two chins and no neck. His charcoal hair was pinned up in a bun - Xingese style, definitely. Only peaks of the hair framed his blob of a face. Ning's nose resembled a dull light bulb, as his lips and pointed eyebrows were curled up in a hideous fashion.

Right when the Yuponese guard opened his mouth, Edward stole his stinging words, "I don't care, _you freaking ass!_ Just stop damn biting me!"

"B-But...but...", Tears began to swell in Ning's eyes, "...food...food..."

Edward rolled his eyes angrily as the Xingese man dramatically fainted to the floor, "You killed Ning Yang! You bastard! You killed..."

This charade went on for maybe another hour, as Ed could tell that it was starting to get dark outside. It had almost been two days locked up in this hell hole, and Ed was on the brink of suicide. Finally, there was light at the end of the cavernous tunnel.

"I am Ling Yao, the emperor of Xing; and I _demand_ you let me speak with him!"

_Ling? _Was it just the Amestrian's imagination?

"Right away, sir."

Before he knew it, there the emperor was. Ling Yao, with his squinted eyes and mischievous grin.

"_Ling!_", Edward ran up to the jail bars, " I never thought I'd be so happy to see you!"

"Well, I _am_ here to bail you out, after all. You'd _better_ be happy.", The king smiled grimly. "However..."

Edward cocked an eyebrow, "...What?"

"...well...", Ling put a thinking hand on his chin, "...You _could_ just consider this a visit."

"Wha- _huh?_", Edward tilted his head in confusion.

"Heh, you see...", The young man shrugged his shoulders, "...If I were to bail you out now, it could cause a conflict between my country and Yupon. I'm not sure I want to take that risk..."

As these words came from the king's mouth, Edward slowly caught on. Grinding his teeth, he muttered in an irate style, "_Liiiiing..._"

"In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't take that risk over my dead body. Unless you're willing to-"

Ed quickly cut him off, "_No!_ Forget it, Ling! Whatever you want, I'm not doing!"

"_Hmph._ That's fine...but...", Ling glanced over to the obese cannibal in the corner, "...I'm not sure how long you'll survive next to _him_..."

The young man's eyes flickered back and forth between Ling and Ning. No matter how conniving the emperor was, he was indeed right. Ning Yang had murder in his starved eyes, and he shook in his dark corner, mumbling incoherent nonsense.

"Grrrr..._fine!_", Edward gave up his pride, and decided to hear the conditions. Oh almighty truth, the conditions..."What d'you...what do you want...?", He slumped his shoulders in defeat.

Ling smirked. He had won. "Well, you see..."

* * *

"_I hate you._", Edward Elric was beyond infuriated.

"Ah, c'mon! You don't look_ that_ bad!", Ling patted him on the back, comforting the alchemist in his own twisted way.

Ed looked into the mirror at his horrifying appearance - who knew he could look so cute in a reindeer suit? Well, he may have not thought that. But even if he did, cute is for _girls_...and Edward is not a _girl_.

The reindeer suit was thick and heavy, with it's fake brown fur and hooves. The fluffy off-white tail on his rump was uncomfortable and itchy, and the antlers on his head weighed too much for being synthetic. A golden bell was hung to the suit's neck by a red collar - and only one thing could complete this embarrassing get-up. The red glowing nose.

"_Please_, Ed! You aren't Rudolph without the red nose!", The king of Xing pleaded.

"_No!_ Absolutely not!"

"Come on! I bailed you out of Yupon jail - can you help a brother out, here?"

"You're _not_ my brother."

Alphonse strolled up to the two, "Well I _am_, and _I_ don't think wearing that nose will kill you."

"But, Al! You're not really backing him up, are you?"

"Well, it's not like you listened to me when I said venturing alone in a foreign country could be dangerous, so..."

"But...you see how ridiculous I look?"

"I'm dressing up for the play too, brother. See?", Alphonse pointed to his unnoticed appearance, "It's not so bad!"

In front of them, Al wore a blue shirt with white hems; held together by a black and silver belt. His red pants were skin-tight, tucked into a pair of funny looking black boots. He also wore fake pointy ears, along with a pointy blue and red hat that completed the image of 'Hermey The Misfit Elf'; an elf that wanted to be a dentist instead of making toys. It was kind of ironic, yet kind of messed up that _Alphonse_ wasn't the adorable reindeer, and _Edward_ wasn't the misfit elf.

So yes, it was true that the younger Elric dressed up, but that was him! He was _cute!_ He liked _kittens!_ Edward was supposed to be the 'manly' brother! It was not fit, and it was not healthy.

"Alphonse said so, you must do it!", As Ling said this, the younger brother walked away, casually whistling.

"_Traitor!_" Edward called after his brother, not caring whether or not he heard the remark.

How did he get in such a predicament in the first place? What kind of conditions were _these?_

Well, turns out, Ling was setting up a winter play for two reasons - for the people of Xing, and for his own entertainment. The writer for the play was Amestrian, thus requiring a lot of Amestrian actors and actresses. The title for such a theatrical event was, _'Rudolph: The Red-Nosed Reindeer'_. As for Ed's conditions? That was exactly it. He had to make this play the biggest success in Xing. But oh boy, if _Mustang_ ever heard about this...

Thank the truth that this embarrassing debacle didn't take place in Amestris - or in _Central!_

_'Okay, just get this over with so you can go home, Elric...'_, Edward thought, sighing, _'But I'll rot in hell before I wear that damned nose...'_

Ling grinned ear-to-ear, holding up the glowing nose - Ed was ready to smack that grin right off of his face.

"_Pleeeease?_", The young ruler begged.

"Not over my rotting, burning, withering dead body! There's no way in _hell-_"

"Just put on the _damn_ nose, Edward. You look _fine._", Winry stomped up behind the former alchemist, the coldness of her words stinging into him like poison. And man, she was _pissed._ Edward cringed from just hearing her voice, not turning around to take a good look at her appearance.

Then, is when he noticed Ling, checking the young woman out. What were such looks for?

Walking beside Ed, the mechanic smacked him on the side of his head, hissing, "_Moron._"

As she stomped away, both men's jaws were to the ground. Winry was also dressed for the play; a reindeer too, though her outfit was much tighter. She wore a red and white spotted bow in her loose blonde hair, and a pair of clanking red heels. Apparently, she would be playing the character of _'Clarice The Doe'_.

Something then struck Edward - a thought. Why was she mad at him? She had no reason to be angry with him, unless...

...Unless...

...Oh _no._

"Wait...", Edward turned his blond head to the Xingese man, "...you _didn't_..."

Ling shrugged innocently, chuckling.

"Damnit, Ling! Why the hell'd you tell her?"

"Kinda slipped out?"

"_Geeeaaaarrrgggghhh!_", Edward curses his inauspicious stars, then snagged the nose away from Ling's hands. Snapping it on, he swallowed his embarrassment. As he stomped away, almost harder than Winry had, he mumbled bitterly, "Who the _hell_ is Rudolph anyway..."

Later on, right at the climax of the play, Edward heard a chuckle. He turned to the audience for just a moment...

And saw no other than Roy Mustang, having a chuckle-fit in the middle of the crowd. Edward turned to Ling, who once again, shrugged. Suddenly, a loud booming, yet familiar voice came ringing through his ears..."_Hohoho!_"

There he was - Ning Yang. Dressed in a red suit with a white cotton beard. He was playing the role of 'Santa Claus'.

_'What the h-'_, Edward began to think, wondering why he was out of jail, and who had the guts to bail him out. He turned to Ling, only receiving another shrug. As soon as Ning spotted Rudolph, or the man underneath the suit, he jumped into the air.

"You _bastard!_ You kill Ning Yang! You kill and you _die!_", Jumping from the stage, Ning's obesity nearly crushed the young man. He cursed, spat, and the audience cooed in awe. Alphonse and Winry, not knowing what to do, only gasped. Apparently, Mustang was having the time of his life at this scene. Riza Hawkeye, who sat next to him, tried convincing him to be quiet. This was the worst possible case scenario, Ed had to suffer the consequences - _and_ humiliation.

"Damnit, _LING!_"

**_FIN._**

* * *

_I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, nor do I make profit from this fic.  
_

_(Besides; do I look like a cow to you? Don't answer that.)_

_

* * *

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_Author's Note;_

This fic was kinda impulsive o_o; -sweatdrop-

So anyways, I felt like I needed more humor and less angst, and I absolutely ADORE the whole feud between Ed and Ling (They just love to piss each other off, don't they?). The whole country of Yupon was _my_ idea, by the way; as was Ning Yang. I meant for Yupon to be sort of like an alternate Korea, so I hope I didn't fail.

As for the time that this story takes place, I would say post-Brotherhood/manga. Maybe about...two-three years after? Yeah, something like that.

Oh GOD I failed at this Holiday fic! 8'DD My next holiday fic I am to work on tomorrow, but it is not for childrens. So...

I don't know why, but the idea of Edward in jail is so spot-on! Also, the idea of him in a reindeer suit is just... D: -squeals-

C.C./reviews, please?

P.S. Merry Christmas / Kwanzaa / Hanukkah / WhateverTheHellYouCelebrate ;D

**-EbonyIvoryy**


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